OYSTER SHOOTERS ARE aperitif and appetizer, all in one: a shot of booze poured over a raw oyster. I've seen them make grown men weep, women dry heave, and bartenders chuckle derisively. Yet good alcohol is a perfect compliment to the briny mouthful o' sea that is the amore-inducing oyster, and many consider these libidinous libations a delicacy. Each mixologist cum mothershucker tends to have his or her own novel preparation, and my crack team of drunks and bottom feeders has scoured the region to find the best the area has to offer. Oh, and a word on method: always, always chew the oyster. None of this "slidin' it down" jive.

Elite Cafe, Cajun shooter, $4.50 It may hearten the shucker at Elite to know the oyster, a product of British Columbia's Fanny Bay Oysters, was the best of the bunch. Unfortunately the rest, from the house jalapeño-infused vodka to the mix to the presentation, was uninspired. Better vodka, better infusion technique (the pepper's only steeped for an hour), and a thicker Bloody Mary mix would improve it greatly. 2049 Fillmore (at California), S.F. (415) 346-8668.

Eastside West, oyster shooter, $5 Served in a tumbler one-quarter filled with Bloody Mary mix and vodka, Eastside West's shooter contained a modestly sized yet delicious Malpeque oyster from Prince Edward Island, Canada. While savory, it seemed somewhat passionless ... sigh. 3154 Fillmore (at Greenwich), S.F. (415) 885-4000.

Absinthe, oyster shooter with vodka, $6 Although there is some assembly required, Absinthe's shooter gets high marks for presentation. Two shot glasses – one filled with a hearty shot of Bloody Mary mix, the other with vodka – are nestled into a plate of shaved ice along with a lone oyster on the half shell. Panic. Which first? I opted for oyster, vodka, then Bloody and was handsomely rewarded. Straightforward shooter. 398 Hayes (at Gough), S.F. (415) 551-1590.

O'Reilly's Irish Bar and Restaurant, oyster shooter, $1.75 Simple, tasty, classic. No fuss here, but none needed. A healthy oyster stuffed into a shot glass topped with vodka, cocktail sauce, and a wedge of lemon. Squeeze the lemon over the shot before shooting it. Because of the tight fit of the oyster in the glass, I recommend using your tongue to dislodge the oyster, if you're not squeamish about French-kissing an oyster in a shot glass. 622 Green (at Columbus), S.F. (415) 989-6222.

P.J.'s Oyster Bed, vodka oyster shooter, $4 Winner of the Cajun standoff, P.J.'s shooter beats Elite's. P.J.'s also uses a house-made pepper-infused vodka and Bloody mix, but it apparently adds "secret ingredients," and its attention to detail pays off. Served in a large shot glass with a wedge of lemon, this was one of the tastiest yet. While the oyster at Elite was better, the mix at P.J.'s kicks its ass, but then maybe it's made for a lustier crowd ... 737 Irving (at Ninth Ave.), S.F. (415) 566-7775.

Deep Blue Sushi, kaki shot, $6.95 Highly, highly advanced. Winner of the "there's no way in hell you're going to drink that" prize. Kaki (Japanese for oyster) shots are usually a simple sake-and-oyster shooter. Paul, the sushi chef at Deep Blue, serves up his version in stemware, which is like naming a 12-foot python "Fluffy." It's an instant tide pool in your mouth: uni (sea urchin), oyster, quail egg, ikura (salmon roe, big fish eggs), tobiko (flying fish roe, smaller fish eggs), yamaimo (mountain yam in the form of a gooey syrup), and cold Ozeki extra-dry sake. I knocked it back – briny, fishy, gelatinous, the roe pip-popping on the roof of my mouth, and finally, the chewy, smoky combination of the oyster and the sake finishing with an exhilarating alcohol shiver. Rrrrah! Whoo yeah. Shake it off ... The only thing I would change: the sake; it could be better. A high-end nigori (milky, unfiltered sake) would complement the tsunami of flavors and give an even more menacing appearance, if that's possible or even desirable. 445 Balboa (at Sixth Ave.), S.F. (415) 933-7100.

But the grand prize goes to a dark horse from down south:

La Bodeguita del Medio, oyster shooter, $2.25 Cuban restaurant La B. del M. takes the shooter crown. As veteran and former Marine James Mossburg tearfully described the sensation of taking one of La B.'s shots, "It just gets right on top of ya." The combination of a Chesapeake oyster, habañero-infused rum, spicy cocktail sauce, and a dollop of horseradish is the clear winner. It's like a battle of the four elements in your mouth. The ingredients are perfectly proportioned, not too much booze, not too little of the earthy oyster, and just the right amount of fire, which is easily squelched with a couple of long draws off a cold Hatuey beer. 463 California (at El Camino Real), Palo Alto. (650) 326-7762.